Parenting: A Journey of Change

June 20, 2024 - 5:33pm - by Kelsey McDonald

Becoming a parent is an incredibly complex and life-altering experience. Try as we might to prepare, there is no class or reading that can equip us for the ever-changing, life-long commitment that is parenthood.

 The journey of parenthood alters our relationship with ourselves, and with those in our circles. And, with every stage of a child’s development, the skills required to navigate the journey change.  The arrival of second (and subsequent children) brings new experiences yet again; personality and temperament differences, and the changing the family dynamic require us to continue growing into our roles as parents.

In this post, we’ll explore the different stages of child development and the common challenges parents face along the way. So much personal growth is required in our roles, and because of this, it is not uncommon to seek professional support at different times throughout the parenting journey. Here we also explore some of the reasons a parent might seek counselling at each developmental stage.  This post is intended to be illustrative, and is certainly not exhaustive.

Infancy

Welcoming an infant home can be both joyful and terrifying.  Even if we did all the “right things” to prepare for the arrival of a new family member, this period is often accompanied by emotions of surprise, overwhelm, and confusion.  If there were complications with the delivery, this can bring feelings of fear and helplessness, particularly if extended medical care is needed. 

Common challenges for parents:       

·      Exhaustion/sleeplessness

·      Schedules/routines interrupted

·      Priorities shift

Parents might seek counselling support with:

·      Post-partum depression (PPD) or Post-partum anxiety (PPA)

·      Changes to sense of self

·      Changes to relationship with intimate partner

·      Setting boundaries as you establish this new family unit (example: with our own parents)

The Early Years

The period of time between toddlerhood and adolescence is comprised of distinct developmental changes.  Children begin to express themselves with language and with actions.  This is a time of developing social relationships with people outside of the family/household, such as in child care settings, school, and in community. This period often continues to feel overwhelming for parents, especially when schedules are very full and downtime is limited.

Common challenges for parents:       

·      Limit setting

·      Teaching emotional regulation

·      Finding time for ourselves

Parents might seek counselling support with:

·      Coping with overwhelm

·      Defining our parenting style

·      Addressing unresolved pain from our own childhood

Adolescence

This developmental stage brings different challenges for many parents.  Youth begin to explore their individuality, and their peer group takes on a larger role in daily life.  This is a time when youth are exploring their identity and considering pathways for the future. This period often comes with mixed emotions for parents; there can be relief in that the hands-on part of the role requires less of us, and at the same time, there can be a sense loss about not being needed in the same way.  For many parents, there is also trepidation about the risks involved with this time, especially when the young person is making choices we wish they wouldn’t.

Common challenges for parents:       

·      Navigating conflict with their teen

·      Feeling “in the dark”

·      Knowing when to step back vs. intervene

Parents might seek counselling support with:

·      Parenting a teen who is struggling (mental health, substance use, issues at school)

·      Accepting teen’s individuality

·      Navigating differences in parenting styles (between partners)

Emerging Adulthood

Named more recently, this developmental stage recognizes that becoming an adult is far more complex than reaching the legal age of majority. The period of Emerging Adulthood is a period of time wherein youth gradually complete the process of becoming independent from their family of origin; it generally spans from age 18 to approximately age 29.  In his book Staying Connected with Your Teen: Polyvagal Parenting Strategies to Reduce Reactivity, Set Limits, & Build Authentic Connection Yshai Boussi explains the biggest change from previous generations is this phase where youth “practice adulting” for several years.  He promotes an understanding that the world is different now, and that parental expectations of youth need to be adjusted accordingly.

Common challenges for parents:       

·      Rules for adult-children living “under my roof” (curfew, substance use, overnight guests)

·      Expectations for adult-children living “under my roof” (chores, rent, living expenses)

 Parents might seek counselling support with:

·      Parenting an adult-child who is “stuck” (not working or furthering their education)

·      Releasing responsibility for caretaking the adult-child

·      Coping with relationship changes one the “nest” is empty

The journey of parenthood is one of steady change, and one that has influence on all the circles of our lives.  Tied to these ongoing changes is the opportunity for us to continue our own personal growth. Many of the changes throughout the parenting journey are challenging; for these reasons many parents seek counselling support as they navigate the rich, complex, life-long experience that is parenthood.

If you are looking for support with your own parenting journey, this is one of my areas of expertise.  A complimentary consultation is a an opportunity to see if I might be a good fit for your needs; use my online scheduler to book yours today.

 © 2024 Prairie Crocus Counselling

Burnout: The Cost of Self-Sacrifice Culture

January 16, 2024 - 3:24pm - by

During the spring and summer of 2023, a public campaign regarding teaching conditions in Manitoba ran on social media. The statements from my colleagues across Manitoba were extremely painful to read, illuminating the heartbreaking realities faced by teachers and the reasons why Manitoba's rates of educator burnout are among the highest in Canada.

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines burnout as an occupational phenomenon resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. This acknowledges the issue as multifactorial—there is the stress inherent in the workplace and there is the management of that stress.  It’s clear that in order to reduce the rate of burnout in Manitoba, we must first get explicitly clear about the “Burnout Narrative” we uphold. 

As an educator who has experienced burnout, the WHO’s “both/and” definition resonates. Certainly, my self-care choices were a contributing factor. And they were not made in a vacuum.  Those experiences are what inspired me to pursue a graduate degree in Counselling Psychology, which has supported a shift in my perspective on the Burnout Narrative.

Big Facts:

• The landscape of public education is not changing any time soon
• As educators, we need to convey the message that we are not the stopgap to resolve the system's issues
• Trying to fulfill that role is costing too many of our colleagues their health

The Four Factors of Educator Wellbeing

To represent the ecosystem that is public education in Manitoba today, let us identify four distinct yet interrelated factors that impact educator wellbeing.

Society (Provincial Context)

The first factor is the difficult and uncomfortable truth of our broader social-ecological context, which MTS has spoken out about extensively.  Our public education system has been severely under-resourced by provincial funding for many years. Further, Manitoba is the child poverty capital of Canada.  The origins of this societal issue are historical and complex. Meaningful change will require the coordinated efforts of all stakeholders over the long-term.  The impact of this broader context on our work environment is, and will remain, profound. We do not have control over this factor.

Employer/School Division (Local Context)

The second factor is that of the local context of our workplaces; our school divisions.  According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 95% of Canadian employees, when away from work due to mental health reasons, cite some other illness when providing a reason for their absence. Before I experienced burnout myself, I was among them. 

When educators struggle with the stress that is inherent to the work, the culture of the employer is key in determining the degree of psychological safety for educators to be open about their struggle.

My sincere hope is that senior management, boards of trustees, and others in governance roles are taking lead roles in shifting their school division’s organizational culture to one where educators have ‘permission to be well.’ Principals and vice-principals need to be included among the ranks of employees who are cared for by the organization.  School-based leaders need to know it is okay to not be okay sometimes. Only then can they model for the staff they supervise every day that health is valued in the workplace.

This could be as simple as ensuring that all educators know that it is ‘okay’ to use sick time to attend appointments with their mental health professional. Or it could be as complex as committing to implementing the Canadian Mental Health Association’s National Standard for Psychological Health in the Workplace.  Or, perhaps, it could be an approach somewhere in between, such as implementing the Canadian Mental Health Association’s Not Myself Today program across the division. While we do not have direct control over this factor of our work lives, we do have our Local MTS associations, which can advocate on our behalf to our employers. 

Work Site (Our School Communities)

With the third factor, the environment we ‘live’ in—our school communities—comes great power to influence the Burnout Narrative. Change leadership is not the sole domain of those with formal titles. Every educator has the right to offer leadership among their group of site-based staff about how they choose to interact with the topic of educator wellbeing.

Teachers and school administrators in Manitoba care very deeply about supporting our students. We stretch ourselves on-the-daily, trying to bridge societal inequities, trying to fill the gaps left by chronic underfunding. We so very much want to give our student the educational supports and services they need and deserve.

When I was struggling with spreading myself too thin, I was fortunate enough to work in schools where I had caring colleagues who encouraged me to accept support. I also know that in some buildings, good intentions to serve students have morphed into wider cultures where self-sacrifice is normalized, and working oneself into the ground in the name of our students is (either subtly or overtly) viewed as noble. This type of workplace culture becomes a slippery slope for those who are at-risk for burnout, or what Dr. Brené Brown calls “anxiety as lifestyle”. 

By raising the collective consciousness about the impact of self-sacrifice culture in schools, we can begin to shift the Burnout Narrative. We need to ask ourselves some important questions:

·      Where does the expectation to “do it all” come from?

·      How is it being upheld in our buildings?

·      What would it be like to work in a school where it was safe to say: “I’m not myself today”?

·      What if, when a colleague shares their exhaustion at marking/planning/emailing during too much of their time off, rather than commiserating, we gently reminded them that they deserve to be well and enjoy life outside of work?

·      How might our collective wellbeing change if we actively encouraged each other to “unplug” more often? 

 Ourselves (Each Individual)

The final factor is you. And me. The individual educator.

For much of my career I “blah-blah-blah”-ed away the metaphorical putting on my own oxygen mask first, keeping myself on the hamster wheel of ‘toxic-hope’ that things would settle down soon, and then I would feel better. 

To be clear, the fact we work in roles where we support others is not what makes us worthy of health—that worth is inherent in our humanity. At the same time, many educators struggle with setting/holding boundaries that protect their energy. I now understand that this personal challenge was a major risk-factor for my vulnerability to burnout.

I wish I had understood then what I do now—no one is coming to save us. We must hold the line ourselves.

And so, I offer a reframe on self-care: It is our professional responsibility.

We work in a profession where our most powerful tool is relationship; we teach students, not subjects. That means self-care is not a luxury educators should strive to make time for outside of our work. Rather, it is an imperative part of the work. Personally, I have found viewing self-care as a part of my job to be both permission giving and mobilizing.  

Once we realize and accept that caring for ourselves is inherent in our work, we can then adopt a mindset of compassionate accountability while learning to shift our behaviours. This means holding our selves accountable for making progress toward improving self-care and having compassion for the challenge it is to do so.

If you’re struggling with setting/holding boundaries that support a work/life balance, ask yourself “what is getting in the way of prioritizing my wellbeing?”. Then be honest about the answer. The truth is that many of our perceived barriers are self-imposed. My lived experiences have provided me with deep insight into the ‘toxic-guilt’ and ‘hyper-responsibility’ that keep so many educators stuck in self-sacrifice mode. I encourage you to invest in protecting your health by seeking professional support as early intervention. 

I wholeheartedly believe that if we work together, we can reduce the rate of educator burnout in Manitoba. I hope you’ll join me in raising your voice in the call for change.

If you or an educator you care about are struggling, I welcome a conversation about how I might be of support.

  © 2024 Prairie Crocus Counselling